3 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon, and I am sitting on my ass, watching Buffy reruns. Thanks god for cable. What would I do without the hundreds of distractions available to me, via Cox Communications?

Oh yeah, probably find myself a job. Or concentrate on a hobby. Or maybe read a book. Which brings me to my next endeavor, now that Buffy is almost over, my list of Top Five Jobs That I Would Be Perfect For!

5. Kitten Cuddler.
I have suggested this one for myself in the past, and the reason it comes up again is simply because I am an excellent kitten cuddler. I have perfected the art of the baby voice,and under-the-chin stroking is second nature to me. My own kitten will gladly attest to this fact. She just loves when I cuddle her softly in my arms like a fur-covered infant and coo gentle gibberish, like "Who's a widdle cutie? Is it you? Is it? It is! It IS!" Local SPCA's are overrun with stray kittens and cats; I'm positively certain they are clamoring for a hand in the cuddling department. If only one of them would call me.

4. Professional Pool Reviewer.
This would involve very serious examination of the relaxing qualities of your pool area. I like to think of myself as an expert in the art of Feng Shui (okay, not really, I just like moving decorative objects around a lot. Some call it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I call it freshening up), and would use my artistic gifts to tell pool owners exactly where to position the lounge chairs for maximum sun-soaking properties, and what sized wind chimes to buy. I would measure the amount of relaxation attained after a day of hanging by the pool; if I leave a full day's work feeling at all nervy or jangled, the pool is a dismal failure and work must proceed the following day. Of course, my final verdict could only be rendered after one full week of soaking up the atmosphere, and only in the summer...so I consider this a contract position only. Final judgment would include suggestions for correct positioning of lounge furniture, assessment of the availability of refreshments in proximity to lounge area, temperature of water, and overall enjoyment of time spent in your pool.

3. Life Coach.
Sure, the market is saturated with people willing to sell their opinions for exorbitant amounts of money, but no one is quite like me. I have absolutely no tact, and don't care if I hurt your feelings. The only prerequisite to my services is that you supply me with a six pack and a couple nippers of vodka, since drunken opinions are the most honest. Once these requirements are met I will gladly sit back and let the opinions fly. For a large fee, of course.

2. Expert Joke Cracker.

Not only am I great at sharing my opinions (mostly unsolicited...I mean, how will someone know what a horrible mistake they are making wearing those pants/ordering that entree/dating that moron if no one tells them?), I am also unarguably the world's funniest person. Hire me for your next wedding, company event or family reunion, and I will sit in a chair all night and crack jokes. Now, I can't promise that the jokes won't be about you, unless you are absolutely perfect. If not, then prepare to possibly be the butt. Slipping me an extra fifty before the event may spare you from some of my verbal jabs...but I will not guarantee it.

1. Critic.

I have an amazing knack of finding fault in everything. I have never experienced anything that I thought couldn't have been better. I take after my mother, except unlike her, I am able to articulate the fault with large words memorized from my thesaurus. Bring me to a movie (you pay, of course), your mother-in-law's house, a restaurant (again, on you), or anywhere that has an undertone of on-the-tip-of-your-tongue wrongness about it (like a living room with reality programming playing on the television) and I will quickly and deftly point out what is wrong. For an extra fee, I will write a list that can be studied at a later date. I consider myself an expert in critiquing clothing, hairstyles, movies, books, relationships, and people in general. For an extra fee, I will combine the verbal critique with a withering nose-wrinkle/lip-curl to really drive the point home.

My diverse skill set allows me complete freedom to mix and match my talents, ultimately leading to a better value for you, the client. So what do you say? Any takers?