3 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon, and I am sitting on my ass, watching Buffy reruns. Thanks god for cable. What would I do without the hundreds of distractions available to me, via Cox Communications?

Oh yeah, probably find myself a job. Or concentrate on a hobby. Or maybe read a book. Which brings me to my next endeavor, now that Buffy is almost over, my list of Top Five Jobs That I Would Be Perfect For!

5. Kitten Cuddler.
I have suggested this one for myself in the past, and the reason it comes up again is simply because I am an excellent kitten cuddler. I have perfected the art of the baby voice,and under-the-chin stroking is second nature to me. My own kitten will gladly attest to this fact. She just loves when I cuddle her softly in my arms like a fur-covered infant and coo gentle gibberish, like "Who's a widdle cutie? Is it you? Is it? It is! It IS!" Local SPCA's are overrun with stray kittens and cats; I'm positively certain they are clamoring for a hand in the cuddling department. If only one of them would call me.

4. Professional Pool Reviewer.
This would involve very serious examination of the relaxing qualities of your pool area. I like to think of myself as an expert in the art of Feng Shui (okay, not really, I just like moving decorative objects around a lot. Some call it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I call it freshening up), and would use my artistic gifts to tell pool owners exactly where to position the lounge chairs for maximum sun-soaking properties, and what sized wind chimes to buy. I would measure the amount of relaxation attained after a day of hanging by the pool; if I leave a full day's work feeling at all nervy or jangled, the pool is a dismal failure and work must proceed the following day. Of course, my final verdict could only be rendered after one full week of soaking up the atmosphere, and only in the summer...so I consider this a contract position only. Final judgment would include suggestions for correct positioning of lounge furniture, assessment of the availability of refreshments in proximity to lounge area, temperature of water, and overall enjoyment of time spent in your pool.

3. Life Coach.
Sure, the market is saturated with people willing to sell their opinions for exorbitant amounts of money, but no one is quite like me. I have absolutely no tact, and don't care if I hurt your feelings. The only prerequisite to my services is that you supply me with a six pack and a couple nippers of vodka, since drunken opinions are the most honest. Once these requirements are met I will gladly sit back and let the opinions fly. For a large fee, of course.

2. Expert Joke Cracker.

Not only am I great at sharing my opinions (mostly unsolicited...I mean, how will someone know what a horrible mistake they are making wearing those pants/ordering that entree/dating that moron if no one tells them?), I am also unarguably the world's funniest person. Hire me for your next wedding, company event or family reunion, and I will sit in a chair all night and crack jokes. Now, I can't promise that the jokes won't be about you, unless you are absolutely perfect. If not, then prepare to possibly be the butt. Slipping me an extra fifty before the event may spare you from some of my verbal jabs...but I will not guarantee it.

1. Critic.

I have an amazing knack of finding fault in everything. I have never experienced anything that I thought couldn't have been better. I take after my mother, except unlike her, I am able to articulate the fault with large words memorized from my thesaurus. Bring me to a movie (you pay, of course), your mother-in-law's house, a restaurant (again, on you), or anywhere that has an undertone of on-the-tip-of-your-tongue wrongness about it (like a living room with reality programming playing on the television) and I will quickly and deftly point out what is wrong. For an extra fee, I will write a list that can be studied at a later date. I consider myself an expert in critiquing clothing, hairstyles, movies, books, relationships, and people in general. For an extra fee, I will combine the verbal critique with a withering nose-wrinkle/lip-curl to really drive the point home.

My diverse skill set allows me complete freedom to mix and match my talents, ultimately leading to a better value for you, the client. So what do you say? Any takers?

How cute are these little girls?

Something about being unemployed in the summer makes me feel incredibly lazy. I wake up whenever I feel like it, schlep my way to the kitchen to make coffee, then sit and stare at the wall as it's brewing. I mentally try to plan my day, but give up halfway through because, let's face it, I'm just going to sit around and do nothing.

I can't say I'm not enjoying it. If I could just take away the utter lack of purpose, I would try my hand at permanent unemployment...but alas, I don't have it in me to cheat the system.

I've been unemployed for one week and I already find myself trying to hide from the prying eyes of our landlord, who lives right next door. I imagine he is wondering what the hell I am doing home every day, all day. Then I find myself getting defensive about a conversation that has never even existed - "Maybe I'm on vacation! Maybe I just needed a break! Get off my back, Dennis! Jeez, you'll get your rent!"

I may be losing my mind. I should probably get out of the house more often.

Here's a little something to get everyone in the summer mood!

I may be unemployed, and I may be broke, but dammit, I can still enjoy ice cream (bought on credit)!

My GOD it's been a long time since I've visited! Weeks, months, it feels like years.

Here's an update: I am officially unemployed. One week ago today I was called into the HR office at the snakepit and told that my position has been eliminated. I had to restrain myself from jumping for joy right then and there - I waited until I was driving home.

Unemployment is a double-edged sword. Money troubles and the threat of boredom is looming at the edge of my relief of being freed from a cubicled prison full of boredom and discontent. I am so used to constantly working - there was a time in my life where I held down three jobs because I liked the feeling of constant business - that now I wander around and wonder what my purpose is.

BUT, on the bright side, I never have to sit at that desk again. I'll never feel like I am doing something wrong when I speak to a coworker - yes, I was reprimanded several times for speaking to other people.

And now, I am searching for my dream job. It's out there somewhere, I just have to find it. It's like a scavenger hunt. I'm also waiting for the sun to come out so I can work on my tan - 70 degrees and cloudy does not please me today.

I found myself wandering around the apartment on Monday, my first official day of unemployment. I had finished cleaning by 1 p.m. and had nothing to do. I applied for jobs, then sat and waited for the phone to ring. What does one do with all this extra time?

6 a.m. and I can't sleep anymore. I had this weird dream that three giants flew into my parent's yard and pulled guns on my family and me, so we battled to the death. We won. What the hell is wrong with me?

Now I'm the only one awake and it's still dark outside. I'm basically waiting for spring. If it were warm and dry I'd get dressed and go for a walk...but that's not happening. New Jersey and Maine are in states of emergency, but Connecticut can't seem to get its shit together, so we just have excessive amounts of rain and wind. No snow. February sucks.

In other news, we have a mouse in the kitchen. This morning I opened the drawer that we keep the to-go condiments in, and saw that most of them had been chewed through and covered in mouse shit. I am officially on a mouse hunt. That little fucker is gonna die.

Okay, so my Photo-a-Day project isn't going as planned. This weird thing is going on where everyone seems to think that our apartment is a hotel. It's starting to get out of hand, to the point where I find myself actually looking forward to the end of the weekend because it means that everyone will get the hell out of my house and I'll have time to myself. Sigh...maybe this weekend I will actually be able to relax and read. I never thought I'd say this, but I am so sick of visitors. I need a vacation from my own damn apartment, and more friends that are local.

So here I am, finally alone, sitting in my bedroom, wondering what life would be like if I could have just been born into money. I'd be cruising the Riviera on my 20,000' yacht right now, a Daiquiri in one hand, my camera in the other, and a wad of $100 bills on the table. Yacht decks look like they might be windy, so of course I'd have to weigh my pile of money down with a gigantic diamond. I'd have my pet unicorn guard everything while I'm shopping in exotic boutiques at port.

Someone told me that the phrase "Money can't buy happiness" is true for the middle class and beyond. Apparently it really can buy happiness when one lives below the poverty level; any more money beyond that level will only mean bigger bills and bigger problems. I disagree. Whoever said money can't buy happiness is a stupid rich bastard idiot who needs a punch in the face.

What a freakin beautiful weekend. Sunny blue skies and a Springy feeling - I'm getting cabin fever. Even though the groundhog allegedly saw his shadow, and the Weather Channel is calling for five consecutive days of snow this week, I think we may need a do-over. Either that or a new groundhog.

We took a walk in the woods today, and I swear I saw a leaf. It may have been a candy wrapper caught in a branch, but I'm going to go with my gut on this on and say that Spring is on its way.

My God, can it be spring already? I am freezing cold and cranky as hell, not to mention fat and pale.

Speaking of fat and pale, Valentine's Day is on its way! One more work day (this is seriously the longest week ever) until the Lovey and I are enjoying a romantic getaway in the Berkshires (yes, I have absorbed all the marketing lingo about the Berkshires - hey, I'm excited), sipping on glasses of wine in front of the roaring fire in our cozy room. We are going to try and squeeze in a few hours at the Mass MoCA too - my new exhibit is on display this week.

Just kidding. I need a vacation. Too much going on, and not enough time for sleep. Lack of sleep + too many guests over the past month x work - play = loss of sanity and overall sense of doom. Maybe all I need is a Xanax.

Night!

Good LORD, it's almost February! How did that happen? I guess I'm not very consistent with updating this blog, and to be honest, I'm not really sure why I even started it. But it's here, and since keeping it going every now and then is easier than trying to figure out how to delete it... here goes.

I have decided to start a project. A photo-a-day project, for one year, starting today. Except it's freaking freezing cold outside, so I guess my first month or so of pictures will be of the stalking variety. The fiance just loves when I pop into the shower with my camera...all for the sake of art, I tell him, but he doesn't seem to get it. :-)

I like pretty things and I like making pretty things, and what better way to entertain myself during nights when the temperature reaches 0 degrees than to snap pictures of him? Stay tuned!

The holidays are over, and it is now the dead of winter. The weeks after the holidays always seems like a letdown, with months of cold dark days stretching ahead. I'm waiting for the leaves to come back to the trees.

New Year's Eve was a good time, and I did some soul searching. Joined a gym and thought seriously about my life. I don't know what's been going on, but my thoughts have been full of non-stop insights lately, about why my life is the way it is and how I got here. I wonder if it's normal, if everyone goes through it when they turn 30. I've been holing myself up in my apartment and avoiding the world for a while, waiting for the world to turn green again. I wish winter only lasted one month. That would be perfect.