3 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon, and I am sitting on my ass, watching Buffy reruns. Thanks god for cable. What would I do without the hundreds of distractions available to me, via Cox Communications?

Oh yeah, probably find myself a job. Or concentrate on a hobby. Or maybe read a book. Which brings me to my next endeavor, now that Buffy is almost over, my list of Top Five Jobs That I Would Be Perfect For!

5. Kitten Cuddler.
I have suggested this one for myself in the past, and the reason it comes up again is simply because I am an excellent kitten cuddler. I have perfected the art of the baby voice,and under-the-chin stroking is second nature to me. My own kitten will gladly attest to this fact. She just loves when I cuddle her softly in my arms like a fur-covered infant and coo gentle gibberish, like "Who's a widdle cutie? Is it you? Is it? It is! It IS!" Local SPCA's are overrun with stray kittens and cats; I'm positively certain they are clamoring for a hand in the cuddling department. If only one of them would call me.

4. Professional Pool Reviewer.
This would involve very serious examination of the relaxing qualities of your pool area. I like to think of myself as an expert in the art of Feng Shui (okay, not really, I just like moving decorative objects around a lot. Some call it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I call it freshening up), and would use my artistic gifts to tell pool owners exactly where to position the lounge chairs for maximum sun-soaking properties, and what sized wind chimes to buy. I would measure the amount of relaxation attained after a day of hanging by the pool; if I leave a full day's work feeling at all nervy or jangled, the pool is a dismal failure and work must proceed the following day. Of course, my final verdict could only be rendered after one full week of soaking up the atmosphere, and only in the summer...so I consider this a contract position only. Final judgment would include suggestions for correct positioning of lounge furniture, assessment of the availability of refreshments in proximity to lounge area, temperature of water, and overall enjoyment of time spent in your pool.

3. Life Coach.
Sure, the market is saturated with people willing to sell their opinions for exorbitant amounts of money, but no one is quite like me. I have absolutely no tact, and don't care if I hurt your feelings. The only prerequisite to my services is that you supply me with a six pack and a couple nippers of vodka, since drunken opinions are the most honest. Once these requirements are met I will gladly sit back and let the opinions fly. For a large fee, of course.

2. Expert Joke Cracker.

Not only am I great at sharing my opinions (mostly unsolicited...I mean, how will someone know what a horrible mistake they are making wearing those pants/ordering that entree/dating that moron if no one tells them?), I am also unarguably the world's funniest person. Hire me for your next wedding, company event or family reunion, and I will sit in a chair all night and crack jokes. Now, I can't promise that the jokes won't be about you, unless you are absolutely perfect. If not, then prepare to possibly be the butt. Slipping me an extra fifty before the event may spare you from some of my verbal jabs...but I will not guarantee it.

1. Critic.

I have an amazing knack of finding fault in everything. I have never experienced anything that I thought couldn't have been better. I take after my mother, except unlike her, I am able to articulate the fault with large words memorized from my thesaurus. Bring me to a movie (you pay, of course), your mother-in-law's house, a restaurant (again, on you), or anywhere that has an undertone of on-the-tip-of-your-tongue wrongness about it (like a living room with reality programming playing on the television) and I will quickly and deftly point out what is wrong. For an extra fee, I will write a list that can be studied at a later date. I consider myself an expert in critiquing clothing, hairstyles, movies, books, relationships, and people in general. For an extra fee, I will combine the verbal critique with a withering nose-wrinkle/lip-curl to really drive the point home.

My diverse skill set allows me complete freedom to mix and match my talents, ultimately leading to a better value for you, the client. So what do you say? Any takers?

How cute are these little girls?

Something about being unemployed in the summer makes me feel incredibly lazy. I wake up whenever I feel like it, schlep my way to the kitchen to make coffee, then sit and stare at the wall as it's brewing. I mentally try to plan my day, but give up halfway through because, let's face it, I'm just going to sit around and do nothing.

I can't say I'm not enjoying it. If I could just take away the utter lack of purpose, I would try my hand at permanent unemployment...but alas, I don't have it in me to cheat the system.

I've been unemployed for one week and I already find myself trying to hide from the prying eyes of our landlord, who lives right next door. I imagine he is wondering what the hell I am doing home every day, all day. Then I find myself getting defensive about a conversation that has never even existed - "Maybe I'm on vacation! Maybe I just needed a break! Get off my back, Dennis! Jeez, you'll get your rent!"

I may be losing my mind. I should probably get out of the house more often.

Here's a little something to get everyone in the summer mood!

I may be unemployed, and I may be broke, but dammit, I can still enjoy ice cream (bought on credit)!

My GOD it's been a long time since I've visited! Weeks, months, it feels like years.

Here's an update: I am officially unemployed. One week ago today I was called into the HR office at the snakepit and told that my position has been eliminated. I had to restrain myself from jumping for joy right then and there - I waited until I was driving home.

Unemployment is a double-edged sword. Money troubles and the threat of boredom is looming at the edge of my relief of being freed from a cubicled prison full of boredom and discontent. I am so used to constantly working - there was a time in my life where I held down three jobs because I liked the feeling of constant business - that now I wander around and wonder what my purpose is.

BUT, on the bright side, I never have to sit at that desk again. I'll never feel like I am doing something wrong when I speak to a coworker - yes, I was reprimanded several times for speaking to other people.

And now, I am searching for my dream job. It's out there somewhere, I just have to find it. It's like a scavenger hunt. I'm also waiting for the sun to come out so I can work on my tan - 70 degrees and cloudy does not please me today.

I found myself wandering around the apartment on Monday, my first official day of unemployment. I had finished cleaning by 1 p.m. and had nothing to do. I applied for jobs, then sat and waited for the phone to ring. What does one do with all this extra time?